Love and Loss-Misha

Misha's last picture

This post has quite possibly been the most difficult to write for some reason.  I was able to tell Misha's story on the Great Pyrenees Rescue Society blog easily but I've been stalling here.  After the night on the kitchen floor with my old girl she had a better day on Sunday.  I was hoping she was getting better but at 3:30 am Monday morning she woke me up pacing and having a great deal of trouble breathing.  She would walk a few feet then collapse.  I knew she was ready.  I emailed Dr. Cutting and she replied around 7:30 am Monday to say that she would come at 11:00 am. 

That morning, I attempted to keep up routine for the other two dogs; they expected nothing would be different and still needed to be let out and fed.  Misha was able to get out and potty herself and eat a little breakfast.  I always imagined doing something special for her last hours, like feed her a burger or pull her around in a wagon on one last walk, but we just managed to quit pacing and rested a bit.  I needed to run to the bank to get cash for the procedure and I noted how difficult it was for me to concentrate on driving.  My ears were pounding and I felt like my head was splitting-everything around me felt unusually large.  I noted that this was likely the biological part of the stress I was feeling towards the upcoming procedure and subsequent loss.



I've mentioned to people (after the fact) that I was much more prepared for the loss of Misha than with previous pets.  Partially since I've matured and that I've experienced so many up to this point.  It doesn't get any easier but I know what to expect and how I will react.  I was able to remain calmer then in the past and come to terms quickly with what was about to happen.

When Dr. Cutting arrived Misha was back to breathing extremely hard and pacing.  I knew she was very uncomfortable.  Dr. Cutting mentioned perhaps that there was some lung cancer but we will never know.  I was able to get Misha to lay on her bed and the good Dr. gave her a strong pain and sedative injection.  This is becoming more common then just giving the "pink juice", especially with home visit vets.  We chatted for about 10 minutes while Misha was calming down and falling into a deep sleep.   Then Dr. Cutting administered the drug that stopped her heart and she was gone.

Baxter waiting for Misha

I allowed Misha's brother Baxter to come out and see her body before we loaded it up to take to the crematory.   He didn't seem very interested as I had given him a bone to keep him busy through the procedure so I don't think he realized what had just happened.   Several days later and he is still mourning the loss of her and doesn't know where she has gone.  He will wait outside the bedroom door hoping she will emerge from it.  To watch him is heart-breaking!

Through other conversations this week I realize that there are several friends with pets that are close to making the same journey Misha has made and that we all experience these experiences differently.  I am so thankful that I was able to find Dr. Cutting and that she was willing to help us with this very intimate moment.

Part of veterinary social work of course, is compassion fatigue.   While waiting for the sedative to set in Dr. Cutting and I discussed this a bit.  I had told her I didn't want to just call her to come "do the deed" which is why I had her come out for a previous appointment.  She had stated some people had mentioned she would be known at the "death doctor" (not exactly her words that I recall) but regardless her role is incredibly important.  She does have to engage in self-care, as do all those in helping professions.   And I agree that what she does is extremely important;  the difference between this loss and my past others is huge as Misha was home in her bed and her passing was incredibly peaceful which was good for both of us.